An Open Letter to Single Men at the Sex Club
Hey, man. I see you. I know what it feels like to get all dressed up, hype yourself up, and then stop at the door, feeling like you’re about to walk into a party where everyone already knows each other—except you. I know what it’s like to hesitate, to second-guess yourself, to wonder if you’re welcome or if you’ll just be the odd guy out.
Here’s the truth: sex-positive spaces can be incredible, but they’re not always built to make single guys feel at ease. There’s this unspoken hierarchy—couples walk in with instant social validation, familiar faces get greeted warmly, and single men are often met with skepticism until they “prove” they belong. That doesn’t mean you don’t belong—it just means you have to navigate it differently.
Be Kind to Yourself Now—Because It Shapes How You’ll Treat Others Later
A lot of single guys idolize couples in more queer or hetro sex clubs, thinking they have it easy. And some do. But here’s the cycle I’ve seen over and over: single guys feel like outsiders, struggle to find their place, and then when they finally get into a relationship, they start seeing single men as the outsiders. They forget how hard it was to be solo and start reinforcing the same barriers that made things tough for them.
So here’s my advice—be kind to yourself as a single guy, because the way you treat yourself now will influence how you treat other single men if/when you’re in a couple. If you resent being solo and internalize that as shame or insecurity, you’ll project that onto others later. But if you own it, if you embrace your place in the space with confidence and respect, you’ll carry that forward. You’ll be the guy who remembers what it was like and helps break the cycle instead of reinforcing it.
How to Show Up and Feel Like You Belong
If you want to get comfortable in these spaces, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing up consistently. Being a familiar face helps. People trust what they recognize. The more often you go, the more you’ll get to know the staff, the regulars, and the general vibe of the space. And the more relaxed you feel, the easier it is for others to feel comfortable around you.
A few key tips:
• Don’t just linger and watch. Engage, even in small ways. Compliment someone’s outfit, chat with the bartender, ask someone about the music. Small social interactions build familiarity.
• Learn the energy of different events. Some nights are more social, some are more couple-heavy, some are great for meeting people. Figure out where you fit best.
• Respect personal space and read the room. Confidence is attractive, entitlement isn’t. Be aware of social dynamics, but don’t let overthinking paralyze you.
• Make connections outside of the club. FetLife, Telegram groups, munches, pre-event meetups—these all help you feel like less of an outsider when you walk in.
A Final Thought
You’re not a weirdo for showing up alone. You’re not an intruder. You’re someone who is just as deserving of pleasure, connection, and community as anyone else. The more you trust that, the more others will, too.
And one day, if you do find yourself in a relationship, remember this feeling. Remember what it was like to stand at that door alone. And be the kind of guy who makes it easier for the next solo man who comes in after you.
You belong here. Act like it.
