WTF Is a Jerk-Off Buddy? (UPDATED)
Revisiting—Updated with Better Research and Fresh Insights
A while back, one of my first blog posts that really took off was about “jerk-off buddies.” It struck a chord—probably because a lot of guys have experienced this and wondered, "Is this normal?" Spoiler alert: yeah, totally normal, for some. Since then, I've grown deeper roots in the community and learned more from research and conversations. It’s time to revisit the topic—this time with clearer points, stronger data, and the same chill vibe you expect.
Sexuality Isn’t Just Hot or Cold Dude
Sexuality’s a lot like the climate—complex, predictable, and more nuanced than we like to admit. Sexual behavior, meanwhile, is like the weather: chaotic, random, always changing. Just because you jerk off with a buddy doesn't automatically switch your sexuality. Just because it snowed in June, we don't start calling it winter. One rainstorm doesn’t turn a desert into a rainforest. You get the point.
We’re taught guys must be either totally straight or totally gay, no room for anything else. But that’s not reality. Alfred Kinsey pointed this out way back in 1948, showing that fewer than half of guys were purely heterosexual—most were somewhere in between.
Fast-forward to today, and researchers like Ritch Savin-Williams support this idea with the term "mostly straight." About 3–4% of male teens identify as "mostly straight," making it the largest group after "100% straight."
And this isn’t just a theory. A major study by Arielle Kuperberg and Alicia Walker found about 12% of straight-identifying college guys had hooked up with another dude. The reasons varied: curiosity, dares, or just the vibe of the moment. Most importantly, they didn’t rethink their sexual identity afterward—it was exploration without crisis (Kuperberg & Walker, 2018).
Male Bonding Ain’t Always Just Beer and Sports
Guys getting off together might seem taboo now, but historically, it’s always been a thing. The Ancient Greeks normalized erotic bonding between men in gymnasiums and military settings without questioning their masculinity.
In modern times, sexologist Jane Ward’s book, "Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men" emphasizes how straight guys hooking up with other dudes—like frat hazing rituals or military bonding—actually reinforces their straight identities. For these guys, it's not a threat; it can even feel like proof of masculinity.
Tony Silva’s research, "Still Straight," adds another angle: straight guys in rural America frequently hook up with other guys not because they're secretly gay, but because it’s simple, stress-free, and doesn’t threaten their sense of self. They’re straight-identifying guys comfortably exploring sexual flexibility without the crisis of labels.
Think about it—how many guys have that memory of discovering porn or masturbation with a buddy during their teenage years? Whether it was stumbling onto adult movies together, flipping through magazines, or awkwardly joking while figuring things out side-by-side, this scenario is incredibly common. For many guys, this early experience isn't just about discovering sexuality; it's a bonding moment marked by curiosity, trust, and camaraderie. It’s rarely about attraction to each other, and more often about sharing an exciting, confusing new experience. This kind of mutual discovery underscores just how naturally intimacy and friendship can coexist without challenging a dude’s sexual identity.
Why Do Straight Guys Sometimes Hook Up with Their Bros?
When straight-identifying guys hook up with each other, it's usually for these reasons:
Convenience and Release: Getting off with whoever’s handy, no strings attached.
Masculine Intimacy: Connecting physically without typical relationship pressures.
Curiosity and Exploration: Just wanting to see what it’s like without overthinking it. In many ways, these interactions actively push back against toxic masculinity by showing that men can experience intimacy without feeling their manhood threatened.
And honestly, sometimes it's just the right place, right time—a spontaneous moment that just kind of happens. It could be a one-time thing, something you check off your list, or even the start of something new you decide to explore further. Maybe it becomes an inside secret, something that bonds you closer with a friend. Or maybe you were just curious, wanted to know what it felt like—and now that you know, you decide, “Cool, but not for me,” and move on without ever thinking about it again. All of these reasons are valid. It's just another reminder of how fluid and chill sexuality can be.
Bro Jobs, Bud Sex, It Never Happened and the Side Guys
A subculture around mutual masturbation and casual sexual intimacy between men has grown significantly. Groups like Portland’s Stumptown Strokes or Seattle’s Rain City Jacks hold sessions where gay, straight, and bi men get together specifically for mutual masturbation—no penetration, just mutual pleasure and bonding.
Sex therapist Joe Kort coined the term "Side" for men who enjoy non-penetrative sex exclusively. Kort explains plenty of guys prefer mutual masturbation, oral, or frottage without engaging in anal intercourse, and that doesn't make their sexuality any less valid. It's a preference, not a lesser experience.
And let’s be real: there are thousands of personal ads out there—guys posting anonymously that they’re "looking for a jerk-off buddy," "down for just head," or searching specifically for a gay or bi guy eager to service a straight man. If these encounters weren’t actually happening, the posts wouldn't exist. There's a widespread interest from gay and bi men specifically seeking out "straight guy experiences," which highlights the fluidity of sexuality—and the fact that a guy can remain fully straight-identified while still comfortably exploring these interactions.
"it never happened" is part of the guy-code, often to keep these casual interactions judgment-free and uncomplicated. It acknowledges that this intimacy isn't about identity, labels, or deeper meaning—it’s just about mutual pleasure in the moment, no strings attached.
Let’s Stop Calling DL Dudes “Secretly Gay”
An important part of normalizing these interactions is addressing misconceptions about DL (down-low) dudes—guys who privately hook up with men while publicly identifying as straight. The stigma against DL dudes labels them as closeted or secretly gay, creating shame, secrecy, and health risks.
The article "Cruising Confessions: DL Dudes, A Reappraisal" argues this stigma pushes DL guys deeper underground, leading to higher health risks, including STIs and HIV. Labeling DL guys as secretly gay isn’t just unfair—it’s dangerous. If we care about public health, we must respect their chosen identities, reduce shame, and encourage openness and honest communication.
Learning from the MMF Scene
Another helpful perspective comes from Zachary Zane’s article "All Things MMF." It emphasizes open communication, clear boundaries, and the legitimacy of fluid sexual behavior without labels. Men in MMF threesomes often engage sexually with other men without redefining their identities—it’s just part of their authentic sexual experience. The same principles apply to jerk-off buddies: clear communication, respect for boundaries, and the freedom to explore without stigma.
Shifting the Narrative: Chill Out, It’s Normal
Ultimately, we’ve got to drop the outdated idea that any sexual contact between men automatically means they're secretly gay or bi. Many guys are straight and just enjoy occasionally hooking up with a buddy. Sexuality is fluid, complex, and often situational.
Talking openly about these experiences normalizes them. Men bonding intimately is perfectly healthy. Sometimes a jerk-off session is exactly that—a simple, enjoyable bonding experience between bros.
The Bottom Line: It’s All Good, Bro
Men have always done this; it’s nothing new or scandalous. It’s human. It's okay if a jerk-off buddy experience doesn't reshape your entire identity. In fact, it probably won't.
So let’s cut the labels and judgment. Whether you're into mutual masturbation, curious exploration, or occasional bro jobs—it’s all valid. Because honestly, sometimes a bro job really is just a bro job. No identity crisis required.
Obviously, this doesn't describe every guy out there—but for the dudes who relate, just know you're far from alone.
